My cat is dumb. Dumb isn't exactly right. The more appropriate description is, "My cat is so desperate for food, he does dumb things."

Darby is on a diet. What's worse is that he is on a prescription diet because he can't eat cat food. Any commercial cat food makes him have explosive diarrhea. We have tried every food on the market. It doesn't matter what the protein source is — if it's commercial cat food, he can't digest it. So, we've found a prescription diet that he can digest and we have slowly been adding various nutrients. It is a very delicate balance.

Back to the dumb part. Darby will risk his life to get food. Any kind of food. It doesn't matter if the food is in a boiling pot on the stove or in the back of the freezer. If it smells edible, he's on it, in it and all over it.

We have a pet-food closet in the kitchen. It is, of course, a closet in the kitchen where we keep pet food. All the food in our house, for humans and pets, is behind cupboards secured with baby safety-locks or in closets with twisting door handles. In addition to Darby's incessant attempt to steal food, our dog Dakota refuses to let the fact that she doesn’t have opposable thumbs get in the way of her opening cupboards, Tupperware containers or push-handle doors.

Unfortunately, locks are useless to keep animals out if the owners forget to shut the door—or worse, shut animals in with the food. Which is exactly what we two very dumb owners did with Darby. Twice. In the same day.

First my husband left the pet-food-closet door slightly open, then went for a walk with the dogs. He came home to several large mounds, and I mean several LARGE MOUNDS of puke. Darby gorged himself on cat and dog kibble. Then his body threw it up. Except for what his body saved to spray all over the litter boxes.

Later, I opened the pet-food-closet to get a dog brush. Closed the door (making a point to do so) and shut Darby in with the food. He gorged himself again. And his body repeated the same process.

The only thing that would make this story even worse is to publicly share it online with tens-of-thousands of people through one of the nation's largest newspapers…

We'll continue to try and find the source of Darby's digestion dilemma. In the meantime, we'll attempt to minimize the stupid human element in the equation of Darby's mishaps.